Thursday, December 30, 2010

Reader Blogs: I Live in Linda Vista

Blogs | La Vista

I Live in Linda Vista

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When I went into the Reader's website to blog about my neighborhood, I was marketed ingeniously by the computer. Once I typed in my neighborhood, Linda Vista, the Reader showed me an ad that asked me if I needed to get off drugs.
I get it! Linda Vista is not all that cool. When I first moved here from Clairemont (more on that later), I told my friends I lived in Kearney Mesa or near Mesa College. Linda is Spanish for pretty; vista is view and mesa is table. So I's rather live on the table than in pretty view.
Linda Vista has a view if you're in the right part of it. I'm in the Village Woods condo complex, otherwise known as Nazi Germany. Our association president, Adolph Hitler, has a lot of time on her hands and it tightly wound.
Last week there was a knock at the door. No one ever knocks on my door because all my friends think I live in the Spanish version of Pretty Table. Call your neighborhood Linda Mesa and everyone in San Diego will feign comprehension. This knock was definitely on my door and not the someone who wanted drugs from my neighbor next door (much more on that later).
It was the cable guy with an emergency order to fix the stolen cable coming from the electrical box to my condo through the sliding glass door. The cable guy was as incredulous as I was when I showed him the cable running from my TV and into the wall, where it was legally set up and costs me a monthly fortune to try to watch a hundred channels of crap (but more on that later).
So the cable guy makes his note and I get a little crazy on Hitler - er - the woman who runs the condo association. I did research on the internet. I actually found an article on the Reader's website about condo associations. The news was not good.
I decided to go crazy and take everyone on the condo association with me.
The Village Woods condos began life in the 1970s as a swinging singles apartment complex named, as far as I can gather, The Village Woods. There are no woods and there's not a village for that matter. There is a pond, a bit of a waterfall, a nice pool and a clubhouse. That no one gets to use.
Hitler is in charge of who comes and goes to the pool. The association board, which has more power over the Village of Woods than the Nazis ever had over Germany, the Fascist Italy and the Communists over China and Russia combined.
Suffice it to say that the Association got electronic access control over the pool about the time my dues were in arrears enough for the Third Reich - er- the Board to make a rule that you can't use the pool if your dues are passed sue.
Thank god my mother died or I's never have seen the pool or sat in the hot tub!
Then there's the matter of the clubhouse. Now, in the Swinging Seventies (and believe me because I lived through them, they were only trying to find the magic of the 60s and failing miserably), the clubhouse and pool were probably choc full of hipsters drinking Margaritas, skinny-dipping and smoking God-knows-what all day and all of the night.
But forty years on, those swingers have become the owners of the sourest pusses you can imagine. I wonder if the same crotchety old codgers and angry old ladies are the self-same people who partied the illage into the Village Woods complex back in the day. Suffice it to say they have a complex now and that's just about it.
One old guy threw his walking stick at me as I sat in the hot tub one day. Granted, the word from the Reichstag - er- the management company had come that I was not supposed to be in the hot tub but, brother please. Throw a stick at me? While I'm behind a metal fence? I saw him later in the week and, oddly, he didn't want to talk to me. He just pulled outta Dodge as fast as his little dog would go. I pity that dog P.I.T.Y. that old wiener dog who will outlive his master by a good ten years judging from the size of the veins on his neck and the redness on his face.
But I was talking about the clubhouse and not all the neighbors who have and will soon die (more on that later). It would be easier for a nice Jewish couple to get married at the Latter Day Saint's wedding-cake-of a temple than for me or anyone else to get permission to use the clubhouse. And the Politburo - er- the Association Board spent a lot of money on paint, furniture and a kitchen. A kitchen that no one uses!
It's enough to make you crazy. But, as I have said, I am going crazy and taking the whole Fascist, Nazi, Communist, Sour-Puss, Spinning-out-of-control-old-board-biddy bunch of them with me. I have created a new political party. Some thing that will cause them to stay up at night. Something that will cause each one of them to doubt his or her sanity. Something that will place a turd in their carefully concocted and oh-so-out-of-touch punch bowl. Something that will cause them to sell their condos and move to - where?
Nazi Germany!
The Village Woods Fun Party!
The party advocated use of the pool by all Association Members even if they haven's paid their association dues. I advocates for the door to be taken off of the clubhouse -- hell you need a key and an electric thing-a-ma-bob to get that far; do you really need to call and ask for permission and pay a deposit ti use a room that, though it has been redecorated, is set in the timeless Seventies? No!
And you don't need to pay for electricity either. The Village Woods Fun Party advocates for large solar cells on all the roofs, a gray water system to water the plants and what's left of the landscape (don't even get me started on that) and parties every night until eleven o'clock. The Village Woods Fun Party wants to put sliding glass doors on the apartments -- sorry -- condos that don't sound like FA18 taking off when you close them; and we want your privacy to be protected even unto placing recycled Levis jean material in the walls where the contractor should have put insulation. Oh, and we want to let people paint their doors what-ever-the-hells-color they want to paint them.
That ought to do it.

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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The First Ammendment

Says I can say what ever I want as long as it's not inflammatory or hurtful.  And that the board has no say over what is posted on the bulletin boards.  But they still took them down.

The Association President and Manager took my flyers down.  I spoke with the manager who is a nice guy.  His concern is that people might confuse the Village Woods Fun Party with the Village Woods Owners' Association.

So I agreed to change them.  More soon!

I do think I have a case but, so far, I'm keeping the information in case my rights are further violated.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Signs of Village Woods

Here are a few signs found around Village woods and what I think of them:

 This sign should say "Welcome to Village Woods" but that is not the sentiment of the powers that be, as evidenced by the next sign you see as you enter the complex...

This sign could re-establish the Third Reich and get it to last for a thousand years.  Yes, by all means proceed directly to the resident's unit.  But what if you are a real estate agent and/or a potential buyer?  This isn't going to make you feel warm and fuzzy about Village Woods - and it's the second sign you see!  Not a good, property-value-increasing thing!

What if you want to take a walk around the complex? If you do you run the risk of arrest?  On my (illegal?) walk I met a number of nice people and a few cute, friendly dogs, a good, property-value-increasing thing.

Speaking of dogs, it seems that some people with access to desktop publishing, time on their hands and, sadly, not a full command of proper English, don't want dogs to poop on the property.  To these people, I say: "your" means belonging to you as it "signs like this show your ignorance".  The word you're looking for is the contraction of you + are. 

Thankfully, this sign is hidden in the west laundry room, where it showed signs of being taped somewhere before being taken to the bulletin board by a Good Samaritan grammarian.  One more thought: If you understand that dogs sometimes poop without their owners' knowledge and spend a minute picking it up, you will save the ten minutes it took to make the sign, post it and slaughter our language.  Thank you.

Speaking of English, this sign was not written in that tongue.  Had it been so, it would read, "No skateboards, roller skates or bikes may be ridden on site."  Proper English is the least of this sign's worries.

It's rude; it blocks a nice view of the pond that no one may look at because they should "proceed directly to resident's unit" (see the red sign, also not printed in English, above) and it's written IN ALL CAPS, which sounds like yelling.

Don't yell at me!  Write a nice sign that says "There's a great park about two blocks from here, where you can ride bikes, skateboards and roller skates. For safety's sake, please don't ride those things here.  Instead, why not look at the cool pond over this low-hanging sign."

This is my all-time favorite crazy sign.  First off, it's right on the clubhouse door, where you couldn't get in with  blowtorch and a search warrant; second, it's printed on official someone's yellow stationary; and third, it extols us to rat on our neighbors. 

It almost sounds like the tactics used by the Nazis, Communists and Facisti to foment fear and distrust of your neighbors. You never knew if your neighbor was going to turn you in to the Nazis, Communists or the Facisti.  Thankfully history has taught all but this sign-maker that those tactics only serve to topple your regime. 

Note to Association Facists: your neighbors are talking about you.  We will turn you in to the grammar police; suggest you get counseling; and re-write your signs.  Although, I wouldn't rewrite this one, I think people who owe money to the association should still be able to use the pool.

Now here is an obviously deranged person who wants something.  The problem is we don't know that it is.  Anyone who can decipher this sign, please comment!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Posters Going Up

You can't remove this poster because it's in my home.
The first of the posters are up. If you want one, e-mail me.

The Fight the Power poster is on the inside of my sliding glass door and I LONG to see what anyone will say about it.  Of course, verbatim accounts and photos (if I can get them) will be posted as they happen.

The other two posters, an appeal and the party platform, have lasted the night on the bulletin board next to the mail boxes.  I will place more strategically soon and let the world know what becomes of them.

Black mark. You might notice a black mark on all the posters.  This is because it was determined by my advisor that the words I lined out could be thought of as incendiary.  I mean only to have fun so I censored myself.  Of course, the black line will only make the first run of posters all the more valuable to collectors.

Large Poster, First Print run: 10
Appeal, First Print Run: 30
Party Platform, First Print Run: 20

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

True Story: Fight the power (of my condo association)

Doorbell rings last night (12-13-2020) after dark.  It's the cable guy.  He's there about the emergency.
We didn't call in an emergency.  But the president of my condo association did.  The work order read (and I'm paraphrasing) there is a cable coming from the electrical box through the sliding glass door and that can't happen.

Problem is: the cable is coming from the wall to my TV inside my condo.  The cable is extra long and you can see it only if you come off the path and look over my patio fence.  I believe that this constututes illegal tresspass.

It certainly constitutes the association president's nosy-ness and possibly obsessive-compulsive disorder and maybe even insanity.  Or at least the criminal stupidity with which she has run the condo association for lo these many years so... I will name names soon...

I have created a political party in opposition to the party that holds power over at Village Woods.  I call my party tthe Village Woods Fun Party because parties should be fun and so should having a valuable property without nosy neighbors.  I am calling their party, until they create a party platform and a website like I have, The Weak Tea Party.  Because no one likes weak tea.
Here is my website:
Here is theres:
You decide!

Friday, December 10, 2010


Welcome to Village Woods!

Have you ever heard a member say that to you?  I have been guilty of not saying it to my neighbors for too long.  We are a community, we own property together and it is time we started acting like friends.  I personally want change at Village Woods: I want people to start having fun!

I want them to be responsible about it - and quiet about it after 11:00 p.m.  I want them to have good clean fun in the common areas and to do whatever they like (safely, legally and quietly) in their own homes.

I also want change at Village Woods and this blog is the beginning of it.  Please join the community that is Village Woods and start having fun!