Saturday, January 14, 2012

Poop Waterfall

No really. It was a Dog Poop Waterfall.  The upstairs neigobor (I live in a condominium and I should say to anyone thinking of doing this DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) is... how do I put this?

A sociopath.  No, really.  She wakes up at 4:30 in the morning and sings.  She lets the dogs bark and, worst of all, outside to poop and pee.  Not bad, you say?
I say that outside is actually outside, not on the balcony, which the sociapath thinks is outside.  The balcony is the roof to my patio.  The pee and poop ferment there.  When she washes up, rarely, all she does is wash said pee and poop into the rain gutter.

In the days before the Poop Waterfall, the doggie pee and poop would trundle down the rain guter and lay there just outside my patio.  And smell.  Don't ask me, ask the condo association.  They could smell it and they were 10 feet from it. I live closer than 10 feet from it.  This is impeeding with the safe, healthy enjoyment of the property I own.

And now, the pee and poop actually falls from the rain gutter that runs across my patio.  Why?
Because it's clogged with dog shit, that's why!  Dog shit.  In the rain gutters.  The water has to have somewhere to go so now it overflows onto my patio and, yesterday as I was prepping a $750 surfboard for resale, that water rained down on the board.
Like a fool, I put my hand in it and smelled.  It smelled exactly like dog pee and god poop and it was raining down onto me, my patio and the surfboard I cannot sell. Because it smells like dog piss and dog shit.

I cannot sell my condo for the same reason.  If I were a renter I'd just move out.  I am actually in a financial position to rent the condo at a monthly profit.  The only problem is that it would be unconsionable to rent the condo with the neighbor from hell living upstairs -- and probably impossible to sell it either.

And I am going to prove it.  I have so many friends in Real Estate (fodder from another blog) and I am going to get all of them to weigh in on the rent-ability and sell-ability of this condo with the status quo.  Then I'm going to have them write up their professional opinions as to how much I have lost by living downstairs from a woman who: a) wakes up at 4:30 a.m.; b) allows two dogs to bark at al hours of the night and day; c) lets her dogs relieve themselves on the patio; d) washes their excrement into my rain gutters causing a Poop Waterfall; and e) tells the maintenance company, who tell her she can't put dog poop in the rain gutters: "I don't have a dog."

This letter, and the expenses we've already racked up (insulation, cleaning the patio, therapy, that $750 surfboard I can't sell, etc.) are going to a lawyer.  That lawyer is going to sue the owners of the condo above me who, if they're smart, will evict the stupid asshole who invented the Shit Waterfall.

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